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viagra

5/17/2015

WARNING; DO NOT READ WHILE EATING

I just saw another ad for a virility drug. One of the side affects was blindness and/or hearing loss.

A recent survey reported showed that STD's are the highest in seniors.

This should tell you that the old really want what the kids today have and DON'T appreciate.

Tons of sex.

It's too bad that kids aren't taught real history.

That in the good ol' days, the hymen, or lack of it designated whether you, a female, were good or evil.

Until us old fucks pioneered the way. I'm 60, and when I was in high school, the most beautiful, loveable girl in school got pregnant, and had to leave school in shame.

Of course, the boy stayed in school, with bragging rights.

Even she had it better than the early woman in Ireland. If you were poor and pregnant your baby was taken away and you had to work in a laundry MOST OF YOUR LIFE to pay for your sin.

So, why the hell wasn't the guy that made it happen right next to her?

The stereotype was clear. If a man enjoyed himself, he was a stud, she was a whore.

And if she got pregnant, no hiding it then.

Not only was was she a shamed creature, her offspring was labeled a bastard.

There's gotta be a ton of bitter grannies that had their lives and reputations ruined because of the brainwashing bullshit – men can screw with impunity and women should just shut up and knit.

But, so sad.

Now that they can screw with impunity, their once ripe bodies are gross, shriveled fruit.

However, Necessity is the mother of invention

I recently read in this one book, that the bar owner rented his basement regularly to a bunch of horney old farts, who with the aid of very low lighting and Viagra, would have orgies far into the nights.

I guess that old saying – invented of course by a man – all cats are gray in the dark is true.

So, have some respect for your elders.

And be happy they crossed a cool thing off their bucket list.

So, when you see your 70ish grandparents smiling that strange smile just remember this article and -

Gross!!

Never Mind!

11 Comments

Drugs

5/1/2015

10 Comments

Since the 1970's, the medical society has been pulling new disease labels left and right out of the void – with the only thing in their way, their lack of imagination.

An upset stomach, caused by eating the wrong food, is now a disease called acid reflux syndrome. They have a drug, just for you.

Packing food in until your body has no recourse but to vigorously expel it is now called irritable bowel syndrome. They have a drug, just for you.

Your kid is bouncing off the wall from his tenth Mountain Dew and an empty bag of ding dongs. He has ADD, and ADDH. They have a drug, just for him.

The Food Industry, Big Pharma, and Medicine have formed an unholy menage a trois.

Everyone is starting to get it that some funky stuff is in our food and might be affecting our bodies.

So, You look at your medicine cabinet for something to make you feel better.

You notice, you have a LOT of bottles.

And, you've started feeling crappier.

You are starting to realize that the doctor should have told you to check your liver at the door.

Especially cause you read that article written by a doctor that said his wife had called him a paid whore because he got a kick back for every prescription he wrote.

I got to give it to Big Pharma.

They know that if you see a big titted chick, or cute kids or dogs, or something in the groove, you're going to block out the commercials.

That's how Big Pharma covers it's legal arse.

Their commercials are about old people or boring pastoral family scenes.

Underneath these mostly ignored images are the quickly uttered side affects of these drugs.

Internal bleeding, instant death, liver failure, kidney failure, blindness, Ad. Infinitum.

They actually tell you that!!

O.K. Those side effects couldn't happen to you.

But.

Be very, very afraid.

One of the new side effects is

Oily anal discharge.

Good Luck.

10 Comments

peabrain

5/1/2015

1 Comment

When I read about bullying, I feel politically incorrect emotions.

WHERE HAS AMERICA'S BACKBONE GONE?

Into the Valley of Litigation.

When I saw the latest bullying story, I said Hot Damn, I'm glad I'm 60!!

Sure, I'm not happy about the rotting flesh part, but I got to have the pleasure of defeating the neighbor hood bully, and not go to jail and counseling and debt.

In 1967, my dad retired in Fl., and when I came home on the bus, on the first day at school, I was told that I had to fight Marlene, the neighborhood bully.

No problemo! My sister, who I am sure murdered me in a previous lifetime, was a berserker fighter. So, I had experience in the art of defending myself.

When this much heavier and meaner girl came at me, I gave her a solar plexus punch, and that was all she wrote. We became friends later!

Come on, parents! Put your kids into a martial art program.

Then, you get a cockateil for your child that has been trained by me.

When they take the cover off the cage every morning, the sweet little bird tells her that she's a turd.

You don't know how this brings the day into perspective.

Sometimes, my cockatiel tells me I'm a pretty turd!

Then, have her hang out with the grandparents.

Unless they're from that horrible bloodline, the Regulation Charlies, they will help your child with sensible advice.

Such as, wait till the bully is alone, clock 'em and keep your mouth shut.

Come on folks!

A video on the internet of a 4 year old's response to a bully really convinced me that we have become a nation of wimpie noodles.

When the mother on the video asked this lively cute as the dickens black girl what happened, she said: He said I was ugly, and I told him I was not here for a fashion statement, I'm here to learn.

And, then he said, maybe I'm not so ugly.

And a little child shall lead them.

1 Comment

conversation

4/13/2015

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There is a rampant verbal disease that seems to be the last blow to the still quivering corpse of conversation, which has already been kicked in the gut by texting.

Somehow, a monstrous blend of ValleyGirlese and the word, like, has rotted the minds of kids.

I am exposed to this phenomena because everyday I'm in the locker room of my gym at the same time as different girls teams come in.

Overhead:

Like I was in English, and like the teacher told me that I had too many 'likes' in my paper, and I said like what do you mean and like she's a real bitch and so I said WHATEVER!

To her friend -

Like what do you think she meant?

I wondered why parents aren't horrified at this retardo way of communicating.

How many likes does the other person have to hear before they get to the point!

I listened in horrified way.

Like, I was curious as to when THE LIKES WOULD STOP!!

The word seems to be like verbal Ebola.

Even TV personalities are succumbing to this word.

I am on the phone a lot with my boyfriend, and being the witty conversationalists that we are, thought about seeking therapy when the word, like, crept into our speech!

Some parents seem to be realizing that their darling child may have a speech impediment that could keep her from interacting with someone intelligent, like maybe her future employer!

They actually have programs that will restore their child's verbal habits.

You know what would work?

Have a real conversations with your kids on what's really going on in this world.

TALK TO THEM!

Yeah, right.

I was at one of my 22 year old son's parties and any attempt to have a conversation was meant with glazed X's in their eyes.

I used the word like a ridiculously amount of times to one of the kids, and he didn't even know I was mocking him!

When we blow ourselves up, I'm sure that the aliens will check to see if there is any intelligent life left.

If these kids are the only survivors, I think it might go like this.

The aliens land and a kid shows up saying, Wow, like are you like beam me up Scotty, and like can I have a like ride?

The aliens hold their heads, get on their ship and report to their authorities.

There is no intelligent life left on Earth!

[email protected]

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astrology

4/13/2015

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You know, I'm surprised that I am not dead now because of my love of brain sucking.

O.K. I got your attention.

I have a secret weapon that most of you arrogant know-it-all people don't have.

Astrology.

Which is great because I'm in love with people that actually like thinking.

Because THEY love you to brain suck them with Astrology. They are fascinated that instead of having their wallets sucked dry for years by psychologists that don't have a clue, you've scoped them out in 15 minutes.

Being an astrologer is somewhat like being a bartender. When you tell people stuff that you are not supposed to know because you just met, they drop the barriers, like when they have a good stiff drink.

Except.

You're at a party with your secret weapon, an ephemeris, the tool for quickie horoscopes and the way to get a spark from the most shallow person. I mean, you're talking about their favorite subject – THEMSELVES!

You do this intense guys horoscope.

You deliver your insights with trepidation because an astrologer has to find a way to deliver disturbing information with a spoonful of sugar, without out and out lying to them!

Because deep inside, everyone KNOWS, unless they've passed the final barrier into sociopathville, about their own personal lurking skeletons in their closet.

So, when you encounter a stranger like me that is not supposed to know this shit about you, you have two response choices:

-Be fascinated that this info confirms what your ego doesn't want to admit and have the courage to wallow in your own psychic guts because it's about your favorite subject – YOU!

-OR

BURN THE WITCH!

I'm not kidding. I lost a really good job as an artist because the women there thought I was a witch, and the artist ran around her studio, putting her foot through her paintings, screaming, “That's not true!” after I did her horoscope.

So..... I'm done for now.

Put a fork in me.

But..... if you are fascinating, can I suck your brain?

Cindy LaLonde

www.ithinkibloggedmypants.com

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religious fear

3/30/2015

1 Comment

I can see why a lot of intelligent people are atheists or agnostics.

Religion is downright scary and borders on blackmail.

Most religions have the fear thing rampant in their sect.

For example:

Excommunication. If you didn't do what the priest said, He would tattle to God and make sure you never got introduced.

Limbo. A concept downright mean. Poor babies that have to float around, forever I guess, because of not being baptized because of death. Since this wacked out concept was invented 2,000 years ago, that's a lot of astral poop.

Food restrictions. If you eat pork or beef, depending on what religion of course, once again, you're on God's shit list.

That's a lot of I don't love you and you're not my kid, anymore, because you didn't follow these rules.

I wish humanity would let God out of his tiny box that is composed of NO's.

The pursuit of knowledge has made even the most primitive bumpkin a god compared to a caveman.

So why hasn't religion grown right along side of science?

We're talking about 2,000 year old information, here.

There seems to be three types of reactions to conversations about religion:

People that like to speculate about a God that is not categorized by a brand name of a religion.

Those that are robots of their religion and that regard conversation about that subject about as interesting as talking about toothpaste.

And seemingly intelligent people that turn feral, thinking that questions mean that you're on the opposite team.

I thrive on finding out cool stuff about God!

The reason I can prove that it is actually God stuff, is that I haven't heard of humans that can make black holes, planets, LIFE!

Why doesn't everyone explore what that Jesus dude was trying to tell us?

LOVE.

Not that sappy crappy card kind.

The kind where if your buddy pisses you off, you forgive him. Or the sweetness of a baby's smile.

The part of the information he was trying to impart to a deaf world that thrilled me was where he said we could be just like him.

Teleporting, walking across water, healing people, turning water into wine!

And God's ultimate show of love – reincarnation, totally proved by that young kid from Israel.

He was born with a horizontal red mark on his forehead, told his mother that was where his head had been hacked by an axe, told Mom his previous name, took her to where the axe was buried, showed her where his previous body was buried and took her to his killer, who confessed.

That has got to convince the most hard hearted skeptic.

So folks, That's MY kind of God.

One that gives you a do-over.

Aliens

You know who is on my shit list?

The aliens!

Everyone has seen some version of 'The Day The Earth Stood Still'.

They showed up and told humanity either stop blowing each other up, or WE'LL blow you up, or send you back to the stone ages.

O.K. I'm a dreamer!

We know if aliens showed up, they'd be on the autopsy table badda bo, badda bing.

I'm sure that after viewing the Roswell Incident, our planet has to be on a, 'If You Land Here You're Bat Shit Crazy List.'

I think that when man was scarce on this lovely planet, the aliens came here as a vacation spot, or for scientific research.

Now, I think the visiting aliens are either rebellious teen aliens who like to flirt with death, or intergalactic bookies, watching the insanity that's going on, and taking bets as to when the idiots in charge succeed in killing all of humanity and this gorgeous planet.

You do know, don't you, that our leaders and their dedication to war are a real buzzkill for interactions with the aliens?

Who wouldn't want to zip through a couple of time warps and be home in time for dinner?

I know what you're thinking. I don't want no stinking anal probes the aliens love to give you.

Hmmm. But -

Never mind!

I heard that over 70% percent of people now believe in UFO's.

I think that anyone who pays ANY attention to our news – however slanted – knows that our situation is becoming Code Red.

Damn you Aliens!

Save Us!

Cowards.

[email protected]

www.ithinkibloggedmypants.com

1 Comment

Burp

3/20/2015

1 Comment

I was walking my dog after having a few beers and experienced a long, stinky and totally enjoyable belch.

That means I'm a guy, right?

No, I am a female who is pissed off I can't belch with family and friends, and not be considered a dyke in training. And, let me make this clear and politically correct. Even though I like to play hide the sausage, some of my best friends are dykes. And they burp with impunity.

I am urging all women to assert their rights to be human beings and not be a male created stereotype. Those Irish Grannies knew what they were talking about.

Better out than in.

Start burping with loved ones. Have contests. (Not after eating Kimchee!)

Start a new honest relationship with your significant other and your family.

Start bugging the toy company to invent a Belching Barbie.

Be honest. When you're sitting around with your girlfriends after eating a plate of nachos and drinking a Bud, you don't rip off a few?

The world needs to acknowledge that you can be drop dead gorgeous and not be considered a creature of horror just because a loud belch emerged from those perfect red lips.

Come on Ladies! Your grandmothers pioneered a new freedom unheard of forty years ago.

Let's shatter a MALE created stereotype that desirable woman are supposed to crap rose petals and blush becomingly while the man enjoys his oh-so-pleasurable burp.

Forget the ice bucket challenge.

My dream is to see a video of a group of fearless woman burping in unison and saying

HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?

America start BURPING!

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SEX

3/19/2015

0 Comments

We've come a long way baby!

It took 40 years for the sexual revolution that was born in the 60's to result in the freedom of sexuality for woman.

But has it gone to far?

I read an article that told about 8th and 9th grade girls that have a Bald Eagle club

They all shave their pubes and see who can lose their virginity first.

The reaction to this seems to polarize people:

The mother discreetly shows up while her 8th grade daughter is taking a shower, hoping to see a virginal bush!

One of the fathers of one of these girls starts crying, ignoring the fact that in high school he taught a lot of sex education in his back seat.

Bible belt women everywhere screaming, 'Whore'!

Women of America wake up to the fact that your moralism is actually male cultural brainwashing.

One of these days, I'll write a blog about all the ways throughout history, starting with that damn apple, that MANkind has conned women to adhere to a code totally favorable to the guy.

You'll finish reading it a week later.

I mean, come on, men got to live a life of adventure, create history and pretty much take credit for everything.

Our job was to have kids and make him feel good, while we teetered on that booooring pedestal, and we were supposed to like it!

It's time to take action, ladies!!

First, we create our behavior modification lab. We hire a fantastic hypnotist for the men.

Of course she will have to have triple Z boobs that sway back and forth, turning them into totally biddable zombies.

Her identity will be totally safe, because they won't look higher than that massive set looking at them.

Then, we dose them with clinical LSD – the kind the army uses – because after all they are going to be in the alternate universe of being a chick.

Then we temporarily knock them out for a few hours.

The men wake up – programed.

They haul themselves up with difficulty. That's because they have bras on that has the weight of those triple Z's.

They lay down on the bed so they can pull on those hot jeans that are the equivalent of corsets.

Then, they put on those high heels that is necessary for the sex tart look.

They stand up which is a major accomplishment, because they're teetering on those damn MT Everest shoes, while trying to compensate for the two boulders on their chests.

And the fun has just been begun.

Now, they have to teeter seductively into the living room with their ass stuck out and tits thrust forward, trying not to think how bad their backs are hurting for hauling those things around.

When they find out they have to trot out canapes while trying to look like playboy bunnies, the program breaks down.

They hurl off the accoutrements necessary to be judged hot.

They then realize the sacrifices that woman make to be considered attractive, right?

No, the men get a smug look on their faces:

BETTER YOU THAN US!

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