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I Think I Blogged My Pants
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4/13/2015

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There is a rampant verbal disease that seems to be the last blow to the still quivering corpse of conversation, which has already been kicked in the gut by texting.

Somehow, a monstrous blend of ValleyGirlese and the word, like, has rotted the minds of kids.

I am exposed to this phenomena because everyday I'm in the locker room of my gym at the same time as different girls teams come in.

Overhead:

Like I was in English, and like the teacher told me that I had too many 'likes' in my paper, and I said like what do you mean and like she's a real bitch and so I said WHATEVER!

To her friend -

Like what do you think she meant?

I wondered why parents aren't horrified at this retardo way of communicating.

How many likes does the other person have to hear before they get to the point!

I listened in horrified way.

Like, I was curious as to when THE LIKES WOULD STOP!!

The word seems to be like verbal Ebola.

Even TV personalities are succumbing to this word.

I am on the phone a lot with my boyfriend, and being the witty conversationalists that we are, thought about seeking therapy when the word, like, crept into our speech!

Some parents seem to be realizing that their darling child may have a speech impediment that could keep her from interacting with someone intelligent, like maybe her future employer!

They actually have programs that will restore their child's verbal habits.

You know what would work?

Have a real conversations with your kids on what's really going on in this world.

TALK TO THEM!

Yeah, right.

I was at one of my 22 year old son's parties and any attempt to have a conversation was meant with glazed X's in their eyes.

I used the word like a ridiculously amount of times to one of the kids, and he didn't even know I was mocking him!

When we blow ourselves up, I'm sure that the aliens will check to see if there is any intelligent life left.

If these kids are the only survivors, I think it might go like this.

The aliens land and a kid shows up saying, Wow, like are you like beam me up Scotty, and like can I have a like ride?

The aliens hold their heads, get on their ship and report to their authorities.

There is no intelligent life left on Earth!




cindy.lalaone@aol.com









































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astrology

4/13/2015

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You know, I'm surprised that I am not dead now because of my love of brain sucking.

O.K. I got your attention.

I have a secret weapon that most of you arrogant know-it-all people don't have.

Astrology.

Which is great because I'm in love with people that actually like thinking.

Because THEY love you to brain suck them with Astrology. They are fascinated that instead of having their wallets sucked dry for years by psychologists that don't have a clue, you've scoped them out in 15 minutes.

Being an astrologer is somewhat like being a bartender. When you tell people stuff that you are not supposed to know because you just met, they drop the barriers, like when they have a good stiff drink.

Except.

You're at a party with your secret weapon, an ephemeris, the tool for quickie horoscopes and the way to get a spark from the most shallow person. I mean, you're talking about their favorite subject – THEMSELVES!

You do this intense guys horoscope.

You deliver your insights with trepidation because an astrologer has to find a way to deliver disturbing information with a spoonful of sugar, without out and out lying to them!

Because deep inside, everyone KNOWS, unless they've passed the final barrier into sociopathville, about their own personal lurking skeletons in their closet.

So, when you encounter a stranger like me that is not supposed to know this shit about you, you have two response choices:

-Be fascinated that this info confirms what your ego doesn't want to admit and have the courage to wallow in your own psychic guts because it's about your favorite subject – YOU!

-OR

BURN THE WITCH!

I'm not kidding. I lost a really good job as an artist because the women there thought I was a witch, and the artist ran around her studio, putting her foot through her paintings, screaming, “That's not true!” after I did her horoscope.

So..... I'm done for now.

Put a fork in me.

But..... if you are fascinating, can I suck your brain?




Cindy LaLonde

www.ithinkibloggedmypants.com




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